But then again, word has it that what we need to learn is what we teach best–because if we did it automatically, if it came instantly and naturally, how would we know how it happened?
I had a whole schedule written up for inspired blogging–ideas and topics and ranges of subject matter. But THIS is what is important now. THIS is what is needing to be laid out on paper.
Because I’ve been noticing it about myself: the struggle to communicate honestly in my most intimate relationships. There, I said it. And so I took the first step.
1. Noticing. Became aware of my pattern. Took a step back, some deep breaths, and with compassion and love began to get curious about what I was doing.
I noticed I wasn’t speaking up, wasn’t saying or asking for what was important to me. And here’s how that played out: resentment, pent-up frustration, and then an outburst of emotion when I finally couldn’t hold it in anymore.
What happened next?
2. No judgement. I decided not to judge myself. I make the conscious decision to accept that that’s how I’m used to showing up–and it’s not a bad thing.
Not judging myself meant I could soften. I could stop feeling defensive about doing it, stop hardening my body when I thought about it, let my shoulders drop from my ears and soften my heart. I softened my heart. My mind followed.
3. Letting be, letting go. Resistance breeds persistence. When I began to stop resisting accepting my pattern, I began to stop resisting the CORE of it all. The fear beneath it all. The belief that if I expressed it, something terrible would happen. I gave my inner lizard some dark chocolate and sent her for a nap. I breathed into my heart and felt it expand. I named the fear and questioned it–using The Work of Byon Katie. I felt the fear lose its ground, and begin to shrink away.
And then? Everything was perfect? I never went back to my pattern again?
Maybe not in this lifetime. But…
4. I took the charge out of it. I’m no longer as much at the mercy of that thought, now that I’ve brought it into the light. I’m no longer as reactive when it comes up. I looked at it from every angle, questioned it’s validity, and found it be, well, false. Truth always feels good. Truth ALWAYS feel good. It doesn’t feel like anxiety. It doesn’t feel like stress. It doesn’t feel like tension or resistance or worry.
Truth is ease, peace and solidity.
Truth always feels good.