I’M NOT REALLY HERE
Do you ever feel like you are in the room with someone you love, but not really in the room with someone you love? I felt that way a LOT. Like my mind was always on the next thing.
Tomorrow. A month from now. Next year.
My life was passing me by. I wasn’t living it. I wasn’t even IN it.
Matt, my husband, would come in the door at the end of his day and ask “How was your day?” and I’d say “It’s not done yet.”
Or I’d go see him for a chiropractic treatment and he’d ask me how I was feeling and I was like I don’t know, I’m busy doing all of this THINKING.
Thinking about what I was going to do after my appointment. Thinking about what I would do tomorrow. Thinking thinking thinking.
I said to my coach “I’m so caught up in thinking about what I want to do and where I want to get to that I feel like I’m never here.”
“Yup,” she said.
So I took on my own challenge to work with my mind to stay present. Radically present.
This didn’t happen with force. It happened with love.
I think Life was waiting for me to land here. Life was looking at me and going “It’s time, love. It’s time to begin to experience life now.”
I kept being gifted over and over with the mind-wheeling dawning that THERE IS NO FUTURE. 30 minutes from now does not exist. There is only now. And then now. And now again.
30 minutes from now is a concept. Not a reality.
The only experience is now. And now. And now.
In a book I’m reading, a fictional novel called A Tale for the Time Being, one of the protagonists considers a spiritual teaching that encourages us to:
Wake up now!
Whenever I caught myself going to the worry, the anticipating, the “I need to keep thinking about tomorrow, and the next day” I would remember
Wake up now!
and I did.
Something magical happened. I looked around and realized: I am LIVING the LIFE I HAVE BEEN DREAMING ABOUT.
I knew I had reached my goals. I knew I had done what I said I wanted to.
What I realized was that I was experiencing in real-time a vision I’d had for life since I was a little girl. That dream has come true. I can’t quite explain the physical feeling–something like gratitude, awe and thunderstruck–that came when I understood what is right in front of me.
Or how it has continued.
But here’s some of what’s happening as a result:
When Matt comes home from work I squeeze him and say “How was your day?”
Sometimes I look at him and go “You’re amazing.”
When I go see him for a chiropractic treatment and he asks how I’m feeling I have a long answer.
I sleep better.
I experience more calm, more beauty, more abundance.
I look around and see vitality–a Spirit in each thing around me.
There’s more. And more to come.
In my experience, growth is exponential.
Here’s to now.