how to stop self-sabotaging

Getting in your own way? Read on for how to stop self-sabotaging.

People Like Us

Ellen says she doesn’t understand why she procrastinates so much. She’s always putting things off even though she knows she needs to do them. Mary finds that she’s a total rock star when it comes to organizing big group get togethers, and will persist at finding a way to make it happen in the face of loads of nutty busy schedules. But when it comes to work she finds she’s always running behind and feels like giving up. Jacob is conscientious, determined, steady and always operates from a place of deep integrity except when it comes to spending time with his parents, where he becomes unable to focus and is distracted and forgetful.

The Typical Approach

Sure, we could implement goals. We could figure out how to generate rewards for changes in behavior and talk about accountability and follow-through.

But the real question is

What’s really going on? Ellen finds that with a closer look what she procrastinates on are things she loathes: laundry, hour after hour of tedious reading assignments, and dishes. When it comes to things that light her up, she’s actually ahead of the game, completing things before other people even get started. Mary admits that although she likes her work, the 50+ hours away from home per week are wearing her down. She’s exhausted and stressed and feels resentful. Jacob realizes that when he spends time with his parents he feels like he did when he was a little boy–unsure, in the wrong, and incapable.

Pop Question

What if self-sabotage is actually the truest part of us speaking up? What if it’s not actually an act of disruption but an expression of what we really want? Goals set for us by other people will always be harder to achieve. Check-points and schedules implemented without our input will never feel like something we do with ease. And being told to do things in a way that doesn’t work for us will inevitably lead to struggle and maybe even failure.

“Everybody is a genius. But if you judge a fish by its ability to climb a tree, it will spend its whole life believing that it is stupid.” Albert Einstein

Everybody has a unique set of skills and way of doing things. You do, too. (Just ask Kathy Kolbe. You can take her Conative Style test here to see what yours is.)

But the biggest questions are these

Can you believe in yourself enough to know that you deserve a life that reflects what’s best for you? Can you step away from letting other people–managers, social pressure, or parents–tell you how and what to do long enough to find out what’s important to you? And most of all, can you then know without a doubt that what you have to offer, your unique genius, is more than enough and that others will accept it in the way that works best for you to give it?

TODAY

1. Make a list of everything that is great about you–your skills, character traits, habits, desires and passions. 2. Make a list of things you feel you’ve not been doing great at, and beating yourself up over. 3. How do those things match up with the first list? If the things you’ve been putting off or not doing aren’t in alignment with what’s great about you, it’s no surprise they’re not happening. Let go of the guilt and self-attack, and entertain the thought that there’s a way to change up what you do so it’s better for who you really are.

Imagining is the first step towards creating.

Dreams become reality. And believing you’re worth it helps other people see it, too. Thinking of you, xL

Today’s Tweetable

@lindsey_lewis: Believing you’re worth it helps other people see it, too.