Running fingers through long grass as it waves gently in the wind, feeling the breeze rustle in long hair, the scent of dew as it covers the earth, and cool, clean air floating on the breeze. Barefoot and running in the grass connecting with the energy of the earth, walking in the quiet company of the forest, placing a hand on the trunk of a tree and feeling its soul connect deep within. The electric surge of energy through the molecular structure of my very being and the purest bliss to breath in all that surrounds me.
I could spend hours, days even telling you of all the horrors of my childhood; abandonment, foster care, raising my younger siblings, physical and sexual abuse from family members, rape, bullying and abuse in school, a failed marriage. Those are the kinds of stories that some people seem to revel in, looking for pity, appeasing their anger and allowing their stumbling blocks to keep them down.
But that is not my story. Those events are just that, events. They shaped my life, built my character and taught me how to be me, a strong and beautiful, loving me.
I remember a vivid event that happened when I was a teenager, after a particularly heartbreaking lunch-hour subjected to being the victim of a bully, sitting in my desk at school and looking out the window, taking in the scenery around me. I remember really breathing in the mountains and the water, so deeply that I connected to its soul without realizing what was actually happening. Then a thought crossed my mind, “Is this really what my life is meant to become?”
I knew deep inside at that exact moment that I was not meant to wallow in this life, I was meant to move on, move forward. I didn’t know what and I didn’t know how, but what I did know was that I was going to become something. I was going to become me.
That was the thought that kept me going through all the falls, it was the thought that picked me up and stood me tall. I knew that my soul knew how to keep going, and where I was meant to be, even in the very darkest of dark experiences, when I couldn’t see the light in front of me. Somehow, through that time, I continued to trust and live in the space that was unknown, yet seemingly kept me moving forward, moving on.
Behind my words lie many tears, many dark nights, hurt and frustration as I continually second-guessed myself, trust being at the source of the deepest pain at times. It was a concept I struggled constantly with. I could blindly trust a stranger quicker than I could trust myself, the person that I have spent the last 31 years in this body with and eons with this soul. Yet there also laid strength and perseverance, there laid the strongest desire to be true to me and yes, to also trust in myself. And so I did.
The truest path that I have chosen has always been the hardest. In order to ‘get’ in life you must also give. As I continue to receive, I continue to let go also. A pivotal moment in my life, a catalyst that landed me right here behind these words, is the day I chose to honour what I needed and change my life dramatically. I said no and I started leaving those things that did not serve me behind. I left my marriage, left my job, sold my house and moved to a completely new city. My life started falling in place when I started saying Yes to everything that felt right. I took a yoga teacher training program, started teaching under my own business, found a job that I love, met and married my soul partner and chose to love the life I have.
Everything I have on this path has come with a price. It’s the price of letting go of what I don’t need in order to create space for what brings joy and fulfillment.
My biggest secret? I choose. I have chosen to be free. I have chosen to love the face that smiles back at me in the mirror. I have chosen to trust the knowledge of my age-old soul to guide me on my path. I have chosen to show love in place of fear, peace in place of chaos and understanding in place of ignorance. I have chosen to not stay comfortable, to constantly embrace change and keep moving as life throws its very best at me.
As I choose to live free, I am able to sit and look back at my beginnings, the mucky and heart-wrenching experiences that caused so much pain and grief and I am able to choose to be grateful for that time.
If not for my foundation that has built me and strengthened me, then the life that sits atop of that would not thrive and grow as it has and continues to do so. There are still obstacles in my path and I am learning to accept that there always will be. With choice comes adventure and I never know where I am going to end up when I hit that wall and choose to continue to live for me.
I choose my life for me.
I choose to be free.
~ Liz Combdon