1. Do not listen to your gut. Intuition is for suckers. The scientists that back it up are probably closeted new agers.
2. Let everyone else around you take the blame. It’s much easier than realizing every situation represents a choice. Remember: Ignorance is bliss.
3. First thing in the morning, tune into the biggest, most sensational news items of the day. TV, radio, online, blogs, social media—dive into all of it. Having a mess of anxiety-inducing thoughts in your head must be cooler than feeling calm and strong. The majority is never wrong.
4. Ignore your heart. Pay more attention to what other people think, or what you’re afraid they will think if you follow your heart. Your fear-activated amygdala, aka lizard brain, knows best. It’s much better to not stand out from the crowd.
5. Tell the censored version of your life. Nobody wants to hear what really happened, or about who you really are. Despite what brainiacs and luminaries like Malcolm Gladwell and Danielle LaPorte might say, authenticity is overrated.
6. Spend lots of time with people who don’t like who you really are. Hang out with friends who scoff at your deepest dreams and goals and undermine your confidence. This feels easier than meeting new people who would make better friends and enable you to fly, so definitely stick with it.
7. Work extremely hard all the time. And this means 24/7. 365 days a year. Studies that say play is essential to our health and happiness are just out to make lazy sods out of everyone.
8. Stay stressed. Whatever you do, do not take pro-active action towards reducing your stress level. The pharmaceutical industry needs your anti-anxiety and anti-depressant dollars.
9. Believe everyone who tells you “You can’t.” The doubters always have your best interest at heart—and are definitely not simply projecting their own fears and insecurities onto you.
10. Refuse to give love. MC Yogi, the Dalai Lama, Oprah, Martha Beck, Lululemon–teachers and companies who promote giving love are clearly loonies. Their success and profits are clearly based on luck and chance alone.
11. Listen to everyone else first and foremost. Their knowledge of what will make you uniquely and truly happy is based on the limited time they’ve known you. Your knowledge of it is only based on having lived with yourself your entire life.
12. Most of all, do not pursue what will make you uniquely and truly happy. The researchers who’s studies show that happy people make better friends, colleagues and citizens of the world were clearly blinded by the amount of white teeth they saw while talking to the smiley people they interviewed.