lonely pain is supposed to be a good thing, I think. 10 things I’m doing with it
June 30, 2011
So…I’m human. Things aren’t always butterflies and sunshine. Sometimes things feel hard, and painful, and like a cut from a glass that broke as you were taking a long refreshing drink.
In this moment, I know a few things:
1. That, like Elephant Journal ed Waylon Lewis writes “In the Buddhist view the feeling of loneliness is identified as the feeling of Buddha Nature. In other words, loneliness is not a lacking of something, but rather the aching fulfillment of our open, raw, caring nature.”
2. I feel like giving the universe the finger.
3. I think in the Buddhist view the feeling of wanting to give the universe the finger is likely also the aching fulfillment of our open, raw, caring nature.
4. I still feel like giving the universe the finger. In fact, I just did.
5. I don’t think the universe cares that I just did that. In fact, I know that I’m still loved–big time.
6. I’ve sat with loneliness and pain and the ache of a hole where someone’s love once was. I made myself sit with it, and not try to fill it–not even with chocolate.
7. I came out the other side with a newfound respect for myself, and the guru that is pain. I came out with a stronger understanding of my human nature. Of our human nature.
8. I can do it again.
9. I still feel like giving the universe the finger. And laughing, because, for crying out loud, do I have to make everything into a lesson? A potential for friggin’ growth? Can’t I ever just be small and miserable and ego-driven? Sometimes, maybe, but mostly I seem to have to just keep on truckin’ down this path of evolution. Can’t do anything about it once you start.
10. It hurts most when I try to change it. It hurts less when I accept what is.
In her book, Eastern Body, Western Mind
, Anodea Judith says this:
With love,
Lindsey
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In this moment, I know a few things:
1. That, like Elephant Journal ed Waylon Lewis writes “In the Buddhist view the feeling of loneliness is identified as the feeling of Buddha Nature. In other words, loneliness is not a lacking of something, but rather the aching fulfillment of our open, raw, caring nature.”
2. I feel like giving the universe the finger.
3. I think in the Buddhist view the feeling of wanting to give the universe the finger is likely also the aching fulfillment of our open, raw, caring nature.
4. I still feel like giving the universe the finger. In fact, I just did.
5. I don’t think the universe cares that I just did that. In fact, I know that I’m still loved–big time.
6. I’ve sat with loneliness and pain and the ache of a hole where someone’s love once was. I made myself sit with it, and not try to fill it–not even with chocolate.
7. I came out the other side with a newfound respect for myself, and the guru that is pain. I came out with a stronger understanding of my human nature. Of our human nature.
8. I can do it again.
9. I still feel like giving the universe the finger. And laughing, because, for crying out loud, do I have to make everything into a lesson? A potential for friggin’ growth? Can’t I ever just be small and miserable and ego-driven? Sometimes, maybe, but mostly I seem to have to just keep on truckin’ down this path of evolution. Can’t do anything about it once you start.
10. It hurts most when I try to change it. It hurts less when I accept what is.
In her book, Eastern Body, Western Mind
, Anodea Judith says this:“In order to overcome our limitations, we have to first accept them.”I’m writing this for two reasons equally: because writing it out helps me process and heal + because I want to make sure that the other people who feel pain and loneliness know they’re not alone.
With love,
Lindsey
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July 8, 2011 at 4:23 pm
Lindsey, Don't know if you remember me, but I knew you back in college, UCFV! I don't come into my hotmail much but I did and saw this post of yours and had to tell you how much I actually relate to every iota of what you wrote. I have been there…. remember Angus, lol. 6 years after meeting you, I went through what you're going through now when he and I parted ways. Everything you are feeling and going through I have felt… but not just because of that lonely hole feeling… because ever since I went to BC I became spiritually opened and this crazy path of enlightenment just kept unfolding and unfolding… oh the things I could tell you! You are so right about the evolution thing. I laughed so hard when you mentioned, "do I have to make a lesson out of everything?!!" lol. Boy, if you only knew how many times I have asked myself that. How easy it would be to revert back to sheer egotistical ignorance. OH well.Look up some Jiddu Krishnamurti books if you don't already know his material… he is the poster boy of "being with what is". And just take it moment by moment. Your current struggle will dissipate before you know it. Just stay in each now. Wishing you the best of luck and wishing you were still in my lifeKelly
July 10, 2011 at 5:39 am
But of course I would stumble upon this today, of all days, having just stepped knee-deep into the wet mud of that special kind of sorrow you just described as loneliness. I haven't even been able to SAY the word, never mind admit that was what I was feeling, until now! Too much pride to accept my humanness – it brought up such a self-loathing in me.So, thank you for this post.It persists despite my admittance to it regardless, and today I was able to find some breathing space around it, acknowledge it, OWN IT, and in doing that, give it some honor. Maybe even say hello to it and make friends with it. If I can't identify it, then how can I heal it? I don't feel the pressure to "get rid of it…quick now! Before anyone sees you! Everyone else has been able to avoid this affliction, why can't you!?" my mind would snip at me.OK, so Lonely has a name now and it's sitting beside me having tea. Funny that, because it just got smaller now that we're friends. And I just got a wee bit more honest and a bit closer to myself.I breathed a sigh of relief to see you give the finger to the universe. That's passion. You KNOW what you are feeling, and you feel it deeply. Your capacity for loneliness amplifies as does your ability to share with another when the pendulum swings back, as it does (just sometimes not as quickly as we'd like).I too, look for the lesson in every dropped spoon! Explorers investigate! You can walk through the forest… or walk through the forest and stop to see the slug on the bark beside the moss on the bark and be amazed at the world going on in there. Lovers of life want to KNOW their experience. Thank God for the explorers that pass their lessons onto me…one more little clue to help in this navigation.Here's the best part. You, Lindsay, rides by me on your bike along the Island walkway on the water. I'm in a bit of my pain, but the "random" run-in cheers me up, sets me back on my path a bit more connected. I think to myself, "look at her, carefree and radiant, she's mastered this, now why can't you." The biggest folly is our thinking we are the only ones.So, I find out I'm not alone, and neither are you. I suspect the inner ache is there to keep us searching, reaching out for source, for connection. Imagine it's absence – how artless and dispassionate we would risk becoming!!Let's just keep on running into each other and brightening each others' day and keep doing it with more people and amazing things can happen on this lonely planet.See you soon ;)
July 25, 2011 at 3:53 pm
Hey there, I’m new to yoga and took your class and loved it. Also, this post is beautiful! I guess I really relate to the giving the universe the finger element. I do it with my art sometimes. Thanks for sharing your words, here are some of my pictures:
July 28, 2011 at 3:17 pm
hey Mei! thanks for this. your artwork is whimsical yet poignant–I love it!
7 Comments
Limdsey, when I met you in Vancouver this was exactly the space I was in. It passes with time. Sending love and light at you,Michelle
Thank you.