So…I’m human. Things aren’t always butterflies and sunshine. Sometimes things feel hard, and painful, and like a cut from a glass that broke as you were taking a long refreshing drink.

In this moment, I know a few things:
1. That, like Elephant Journal ed Waylon Lewis writes “In the Buddhist view the feeling of loneliness is identified as the feeling of Buddha Nature. In other words, loneliness is not a lacking of something, but rather the aching fulfillment of our open, raw, caring nature.”
2. I feel like giving the universe the finger.
3. I think in the Buddhist view the feeling of wanting to give the universe the finger is likely also the aching fulfillment of our open, raw, caring nature.
4. I still feel like giving the universe the finger. In fact, I just did.
5. I don’t think the universe cares that I just did that. In fact, I know that I’m still loved–big time.
6. I’ve sat with loneliness and pain and the ache of a hole where someone’s love once was. I made myself sit with it, and not try to fill it–not even with chocolate.
7. I came out the other side with a newfound respect for myself, and the guru that is pain. I came out with a stronger understanding of my human nature. Of our human nature.
8. I can do it again.
9. I still feel like giving the universe the finger. And laughing, because, for crying out loud, do I have to make everything into a lesson? A potential for friggin’ growth? Can’t I ever just be small and miserable and ego-driven? Sometimes, maybe, but mostly I seem to have to just keep on truckin’ down this path of evolution. Can’t do anything about it once you start.
10. It hurts most when I try to change it. It hurts less when I accept what is.

In her book, Eastern Body, Western Mind, Anodea Judith says this:
“In order to overcome our limitations, we have to first accept them.”
I’m writing this for two reasons equally: because writing it out helps me process and heal + because I want to make sure that the other people who feel pain and loneliness know they’re not alone.

With love,


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lonely pain is supposed to be a good thing, I think. 10 things I’m doing with it

June 30, 2011